


the beginning

by casdoms (moffwithhishead)



Category: Supernatural
Genre: (only mentioned described very briefly), Canon Compliant, Human Castiel, M/M, Mild Gore
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-01
Updated: 2015-08-01
Packaged: 2018-04-12 11:51:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,970
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4478315
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moffwithhishead/pseuds/casdoms
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Please don’t try to tell me what I want, Dean,” Cas says tiredly, and runs a hand through his hair.</p><p>He’s got a cut on his forehead and Dean wants so badly to touch it; to clean it and put a bandage on it and kiss it. To take care of him. To make sure he’s actually real and alive and that vamp didn’t almost kill him. </p><p>“I’m -” Dean takes a shuddering breath and closes his eyes, “Christ, I’m - I’m not trying to.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	the beginning

**Author's Note:**

> that rare moment when you remember the idea you had in the shower and actually get to write it. very, very brief mention of torture re: cas and the angels.

**Tell me every terrible thing you did and let me love you anyway**.

Ten years. Ten years it’s been building up to this moment.

And of fucking course it’s in the middle of a case when they’re surrounded by dead bodies of the vampires they just killed. Of fucking course it’s when Dean’s got some dude’s brains on his face.

Of fucking course he finally kisses his best friend  _now_.

“Cas,” Dean breathes out a little bit disbelievingly. He stumbles backwards, narrowly avoiding tripping over somebody’s head, and leans against a wall. “You don’t...” 

He looks down at his boots and swallows, the hand holding the machete shaking with the adrenaline from being alive and finally kissing Cas.

 _Finally_. 

“Please don’t try to tell me what I want, Dean,” Cas says tiredly, and runs a hand through his hair.

He’s got a cut on his forehead and Dean wants  _so_  badly to touch it; to clean it and put a bandage on it and kiss it. To take care of him. To make sure he’s actually real and alive and that vamp didn’t almost kill him. 

“I’m -” Dean takes a shuddering breath and closes his eyes, “Christ, I’m - I’m not trying to.” 

The warehouse feels all too silent. The only sound is Cas idly kicking the ground with his boot, an achingly human action he’s picked up from Dean. 

He’s letting Dean work through whatever is going on his head.

Because, Cas? He’s not stupid. He’s known for years now, since before Purgatory, that Dean was in love with him. He’s known for even longer that he is heart-wrenchingly in love with Dean as well. 

Dean sinks to the ground with a quiet groan, his knees pressed against his chest as he tries to breathe.

“Cas, I’m...” He huffs a disbelieving laugh, “I’m poison.”

He hears a snort from his best friend and it almost makes him smile.  _Almost_.

“Cas, I’m  _serious_.” Dean looks up at him reluctantly and tosses the machete away, “I’m - I hurt people, dude. People die because of me. Because - because I -” 

 _Because I love them_.

Castiel arches an eyebrow at Dean, silently challenging him, “I know.” 

Dean scowls and lets his head fall forward again to rest on his knees, “Dude, no, no you don’t. You really fucking don’t because if you did, you -” He laughs bitterly and shakes his head, “You’d have stayed away from me.” 

He scrubs his face just this side of aggressively and looks down at his shoes. His voice is so quiet in the warehouse but somehow it still feels like his words are echoing back at him, mocking his vulnerability. 

“I’m... I’m so tired of hurting you, Cas. I’m so fucking tired of us hurting each other. And I... I feel like it’s always me. Me hurting you. I...” Dean thumps his head against his knees and groans quietly, “I can’t do it again, Cas. I... I can’t. I was... I was the worst thing that ever happened to you, man. And if you stick around, if we -”

He lets out a harsh breath, rubs his temples, “If we do this. I’m gonna... I’m gonna keep hurting you. I can’t do it anymore.” 

His heart is deceptively steady for how much he’s shaking.

Maybe it’s because he’s accepted his fate. Maybe it’s because he knows that Cas doesn’t want him.

He’s so lost in his head that he doesn’t realize Cas is moving until he feels his friend’s shoulder pressed up against his own.

Cas is sitting right next to him where one of the vampire’s heads used to be. He lets his head fall back to rest against the wall and sighs, “Dean... can I be honest? For once, can we just...” 

He huffs a humorless laugh and smiles a little bitterly, “For once, can I just be honest with you? Please.” 

A part of Dean wants to argue and run away but he tamps it down with a nervous nod, encouraging him to go on. His hands ball themselves up into fists where they’re resting on his knees because he doesn’t want Cas to see how much they’re shaking.

He waits for Cas to speak, expecting the whole “I love you but I’m not  _in love_  with you” speech. It will probably be inhumanly elegant, if not a little clumsy, and it will still make Dean’s chest ache in that fond way it has a tendency to do whenever Cas makes a joke.

“Dean Winchester, I am  _thousands_  of years old.” 

His voice is quiet but insistent. Stern, but not demanding. So very  _Cas_ , in a way it so rarely is anymore now that he’s human.

Cas keeps his eyes on a skylight in the middle of the warehouse - maybe it’s just a hole - but he can see the stars from here and it grounds him a little. 

“I saw the universe being created. I watched as humanity was born for  _thousands_  of years. I killed people when ordered. I watched people die. I saw my siblings fall. I was manipulated and controlled and brainwashed and tortured more times than I even know about.”

He goes quiet for a moment and Dean looks over to make sure his friend is okay.

His eyes are closed and he’s squeezing his own hand, almost like he’s trying to comfort himself. His ankles are crossed and his breathing feels a little forced, like he’s counting it out. Like he’s making himself breathe.

“I have witnessed and experienced more tragedy than I would care to recount...”

Cas turns just enough to see Dean and opens one eye, smiling a little bit, “And you are far from the worst thing that has ever happened to me.”

The corner of his mouth quirks up even more, like he’s holding back a slightly smug grin, “I would go so far as to say that you might be the  _best_  thing that’s ever happened to me, Dean Winchester.” 

Dean groans a little bit and hides his face in his arms again, laughing despite how fast his heart is beating, “Jesus, Cas...” 

"I am older than you will ever be able to truly grasp, Dean,” he murmurs, looking up at the night sky again. “And I can say with absolute certainty that meeting you was the best thing that has ever happened to me in all of it.” 

Dean peeks up at Cas with one eye, tries to ignore the stutter in his chest when he sees how beautiful the other man looks lit by the moonlight, “That’s... that’s kinda sad, man.” 

Castiel huffs a laugh and turns again to smile at Dean, his eyes warm and affectionate, “Perhaps. But as an angel, my job was to look after humanity. A... silent keeper, I suppose.” 

“You were a General, though,” Dean intends for it to sound more like a question than it does, but Cas gets it. 

“I was,” he nods and looks down at his feet again, shaking his head, “But... The more humanity grew, the less we were needed. Before I met you, Dean, I had been on Earth only twice before.” 

He lets out a breath and smiles sadly, “My job was to command a garrison, to protect humans when something too powerful was coming after them. It was less about fighting wars than it sounds.” Castiel sniffs and looks back up at the ceiling, “It’s - it’s just as well, though. Seeing my brothers and sisters die because of me is... it is not something I miss. It’s not something I ever got used to. I never truly enjoyed the bloody part of war.” 

Dean arches an eyebrow at him, almost challengingly, “You sure as shit seem to like it when we spar at home.” 

Castiel actually lets out a surprised laugh, his eyes crinkling at the corners, “That... that is different, Dean. That is about strategy and practice. It’s about improvement on both sides. There’s no threat of death.” 

He can read between the lines well enough to know what Cas is really saying.

 _There’s no threat of me hurting someone else_. 

Dean reaches out before he can really think about it and sets a hand on Cas’ arm a little awkwardly. His fingers curl around the muscles in an attempt to keep him close.

He’s leaving. He’s always leaving. 

“ _My point_ ,” Castiel continues after a moment, the surprise at the touch disguised poorly in his voice. “My point...” He smiles a little to himself, “My point is that I am aware of the things you think are your fault. I was there for many of them, remember?” 

Dean makes an affirmative noise and slowly unfolds his legs, holding back the quiet groan at how sore his muscles are from sitting like this. 

“I know you, Dean...” He smiles again and rests his other hand on top of Dean’s fingers, “I know you better than you think I do. I know the good, the bad and the very, very bad. And I still love you. And I still want you. I still want this... if you are okay with that, of course.” 

And just like that, a weight feels like it’s been lifted off his chest.

His heart is still beating a mile a minute when he finally meets Cas’ eyes again.

Cas has got that small, private smile on his face and  _god_ , he looks so scared. Cas is hard to read on his best days but Dean’s always been able to read him like a book and right now, his best friend is the human equivalent of a thousand exclamation points. 

Something about that makes another knot in his chest unwind - to know that Cas is just as terrified as he is - and Dean moves so their hands are twined together.

“Yeah,” his voice is rough and shaky, he can feel the smile forming on his face.

“Yeah, Cas, I’m good with that.” 

 

Their second kiss is in the warehouse.

Their third kiss is against the wall next to the door on their way out.

Their fourth kiss is against the Impala when Dean gets impatient and can’t wait to get the car open.

Their fifth kiss is in the backseat with Cas’ hands sliding to his zipper, starting to remove his pants insistently. 

Their sixth kiss is twenty minutes later when they get back to their motel.

Their seventh, eighth, ninth and tenth kisses are exchanged while they undress each other slowly, continuing what they’d stopped in the Impala.

“Cas,” Dean breathes out in between the eleventh and twelfth while the other man is stroking him carefully, like he’s afraid of breaking the moment. 

Cas hums an acknowledgement and starts kissing down Dean’s jaw, nipping at the skin gently. Dean whines high and low, squirming to get more. 

He manages to slip his own hand in between them, wraps it around Cas just as tenderly, “Hey...” Cas moans against his chest and Dean huffs out a breathless laugh that trails into a moan. 

“ _Fuck_ , I love you.” 

Castiel freezes for one, two, three beats.

Then Dean feels a smile pressed against his collarbone, a breath of nervous laughter immediately after that.

“I -” He pauses and presses a gentle kiss to Dean’s chest, English seeming to fail him as he murmurs something quietly in Enochian.

Dean doesn’t even have to ask what he means.

_I love you too._

" _When I say I love you more, I don’t just mean I love you more than you love me. I mean I love you more than the_  
_bad days ahead of us. I love you more than any fight we will ever have. I love you more than the distance between us._  
_I love you more than any obstacle that could ever try and come between us.[I love you the most](http://meardmish.tumblr.com/post/125349338035/when-i-say-i-love-you-more-i-dont-just-mean-i)_."

**Author's Note:**

> find me at meardmish on tumblr.


End file.
